Breaking things down… building them up again

Posted Friday, September 29th, 2017. Filed Under Voices of wisdom

I know it has been a few weeks since I have written. It has been a trying, scary and exciting roller coaster in my life. I went away with my family this summer to celebrate me and my twin turning 50 and my nephew’s bar mitzvah. We left on June 28th and returned on July 15th. Before I left for our trip I was working on two projects, a large project and a smaller one. Everything was in place for the fall. I returned thinking I am good and then in August things started to fall apart. The large project I was working on (to do with legalization of marijuana in Canada and shifting behaviour amongst the 18-25 year old market around driving high) was put on hold. There was too much uncertainty for us to continue and we need to wait until more was known. Investors were reluctant to move forward until more is known about how the law will unfold. Right then and there my fall “plan” was gone.

The smaller project I am working on is something I am passionate about however unfortunately the person I am working with is not fully focused on this project. This pattern was all too familiar. I ended one joint venture relationship earlier this year and I decided at that point that I want to be very selective about who I partner or do a joint venture with. This small project is in its third year, and final for me. I want to work with people who will commit to a project; that we have similar core values and desire for outcome.

When everything fell apart I didn’t know what to do. My whole life is about plans and doing. I need to do things differently. I knew that I would have to break things down completely before I can build them up. At the same time as my work falling apart my 6 month relationship also ended. In retrospect, this was good for me… another pattern I needed to break – saving people. One decision I did make is that I will be in moment and allow things to unfold as they will. My whole life I have spent pushing and pulling and I didn’t want to continue my work or life this way. I also decided to take a mindfulness course for I really want to break, once and for all, my patterns that are holding me back in all areas of my life. I am also determined to address my fast-moving mind that moves a million miles a minute. I call it the “wandering” mind. I can have a whole conversation with myself and rile myself up completely while in fact, nothing has “happened”.

Talking to my friend who teaches the course we discussed the importance of “stabilizing” the mind. I would say quieting my mind however that is not truly mindfulness. I wanted to learn to deal with my emotions as they arose and rather then letting them control me or build a story I would learn to acknowledge the emotion, not analyze it (which was difficult and something I do a lot) and just let it be. By doing so I am learning to truly let go. I also am learning to see how much my mind wanders. I have built myself up to 10 minutes a day of meditating. In meditation, again you are not quieting the mind, rather acknowledging when it moves away from the meditation practice and where it goes, see it and then bring it back.

I am so grateful for this being in my life right now. I say it has saved me. It has been the hardest thing I have ever done because for the most part I have stopped and am doing “nothing” allowing myself to feel, be awake, acknowledge. That is another thing I am grateful for, being awake. I realized how most people are “asleep” in their lives. They move through life on auto-pilot or distract themselves: get up, go to work, do activities, eat, sleep and then do it all over again. I don’t want to be that person. I want to be awake and live my life to the fullest.

What has been some of the scariest moments is when I feel immobilized… I feel like I cannot move left or right. I am not an indecisive person however over the last 6 weeks I have been. It’s almost like I don’t care. I have limited my conversations with people because everyone wants to help me — do this, do that and it overwhelms me. I know that I need this time to let things emerge and clear. I have had moments of glimpses to my next steps. My love and passion – empowerment, making a difference, was put on hold (ok never really entirely) . I am slowly reawakening my passion which has not changed since 2004 – empower our youth with life skills that will help them thrive in the new economy structure – the “gig economy”; one that is constantly changing. I have been working on a “boot camp” platform that will teach our kids the entrepreneurial skill sets that they will need whether they become and entrepreneur or not. Today we are a business of one – we need to brand ourselves, communicate who we are, our skills, lead by example and network to find the multiple projects that align with our core values and skills.

I am slowly emerging, rebuilding as we speak.

If any of you have felt this overwhelming feeling over the last few weeks, you are not alone. I want you to know that.

I really hope that what I shared today has helped even one of you out there. One thing for sure is trusting G-d, the universe. That’s another thing I want to break – controlling things. I truly have handed off to G-d and my angels saying I need their help. I asked for a sign the other day and a bee showed up in my bathroom. Just to let you know at the end of July I was stung by a wasp (could have been a bee) and then last week I was stung again. When the bee showed up yesterday in my bathroom I knew that I didn’t want to be stung but more importantly I wanted to know what message G-d was sending me.

Here is what I was sent by my dear friend Mary:

“If the bee shows up it means: It’s time to get organized and get to work on that idea that you want to implement and develop.
Approach your projects with commitment, diligence, and dedication, and you’ll succeed beyond your wildest expectations.
Involve several other in a cooperative and life-affirming venture, one in which everyone who participates will benefit — and if possible, one that includes the entire community.
Take time to appreciate and enjoy the sweetness of life.
This is a very fertile time for you physically and creatively, one where you can bring your ideas into fruition.
This is a very productive cycle for you, so stay with whatever you’re working on, and there will be a favourable outcome.”

“If the WASP shows up, it means: whatever task is before you, jump in and go for it with enthusiasm and determination.
Consider making a study of sacred geometry and how it applies to your life.
For the next few weeks, focus on fulfilling your responsibilities and personal obligations.
Break out of your routine and do something that’s adventurous, unusual, and completely different from what you would do ordinarily.
Lead with your heart, not your mind.
Whatever you’ve dreamed of doing, put some plans into action that will help you realize them.”

WOW or what.

I want to wish everyone a wonderful weekend. Tonight begins Yom Kippur with Kol Nidre. It is a time of self-reflection, self-awareness, self forgiveness and then forgiveness of others. As I am constantly doing this I will observe where I have deviated from my truth and path and see how I can bring myself back. I don’t like the word sin for I don’t believe that G-d is a punishing G-d. I do believe that if I have wronged someone or did something to hurt and harm them then I will ask them for forgiveness.

This time of year is very powerful for me. I look forward to being written into the book of life and approaching this year to be the best I can be, enjoy the abundance in my life and live life to the fullest. I look forward to working with many others to really impact the lives of our youth! I will also be putting attention to empowering women who have gone through divorce or some major change in their lives. I want to create a mastermind group and the same life skills I am teaching our youth I will bring to these women.

Have a wonderful weekend. I will keep you abreast of my “rebuilding”.

All my love,

Sandra

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