THERE IS A LOSS…
A loss can be many things to different people. For me there have been the loss of friendships, boyfriends, a job, and my marriage. Some of the changes were most welcome and it was time.  I believe that when one door closes another one opens up.

When my marriage began to break down it was a little different for this was not just the ending of two people, there are children involved and for me the most disheartening was the shattering of a belief system that marriage is forever and that you can make it work no matter what.  Also the belief that the marriage is about 50/50 and compromise.

When we decided to split it was a mutual decision and one that the children knew was better HOWEVER I did feel sadness at this loss. I knew I needed to grieve this loss for me to move on.  It has meant really going within and figuring out what part I played in all of this and how can I learn and become aware of my actions so that for future I will be in a different type of relationship.  I have done the hard work and alot of it surfaced around forgiveness, releasing and letting go both for my ex and mostly for me.

TWO LESSONS IN GRIEVING…
When I split people suggested a support group in which other people are going through the same situation. I chose not to go that route and to go a more spiritual path towards enlightenment. For me, I did not want to be surrounded by such anger, sadness, etc. I really needed to be around people who were uplifting; people who can see my light at the end of the tunnel when all I saw was darkness.  As we are all spiritual beings it really was about becoming aware: of myself and choices I had made, etc.  I began to peel away the layers. About 2 years into this process I was referred to an amazing woman in LA, Dr. Lin Morel.  She worked with me looking from within and making some sense of it.  At one point there was a lot of things going on regarding my legal stuff and it was not very good between my ex and me. In one of our sessions she said that I have been stuffing my emotions inside of me: the anger I felt, the sadness, etc. for I believed (through my words) that I needed to find the good side — being on this spiritual path. I came to realize with her guidance that we are human and WE MUST honour those emotions, even the most enlightened.  We are on this planet as spiritual beings to have human experiences. This is how we learn and peel away the layers — leading to the “amazingness” of who we are.

It was such a good awakening for me for at that time I was 150% angry with what was going on. She gave me strategies of how to honour these “negative” emotions, express them and work through them and then release them/surrender them.  I talk about these strategies one being free flow writing; you write whatever comes to mind for 20 minutes and then you burn it.

The second lesson which came about 2 years into my separation is the importance of having my chidren grieve the loss of this marriage as well.  At one point my little one was mirrorring back my anger through his own.  It was a huge wake up call both for the way I was handling this time in my life and how he was also hurting.  Through the school’s help, a children’s agency and my lawyer I was able to get them the help that they needed to empower  and assist both my children for working through their loss.  Children respond differently than adults. More importantly, understanding that they are NOT sooooooooo resiliant that they will bounce back, or even that they do not even really realize what is going on for they are too young. This is NOT TRUE.

CHOOSE TO GRIEVE…
Grieving is an important part of life and one that we must experience.  We need to grant ourselves the permission to grieve. It is true the process will differ between adult and child however this is true between one individual and another.  There is no proper length of time nor one way that is RIGHT. You must find what works for you.

Like everything it is baby steps.

All my best,

Sandra

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