Is It Possible to Love too much, help too much?

Posted Thursday, June 11th, 2009. Filed Under Voices of wisdom

My Discovery/Awareness This Week: I need to back off!
I am so grateful for the experience, humbling as it was, that I experienced this past week with my older son. I always say that my children are my mirrors and teachers.  This week I learned that I can actually care too much and do too much and enable too much. The experience was surrounding baseball and I kept pressing an issue with my son and finally he said to “zip it” and he didn’t want to talk about it any more.
I attended my study group of the Tao Te Ching and the verse of study was #34. The topic brought about a conversation on Control – as parents we sometimes end up being too controlling even though the intention is to assist and help and protect.   Women shared their views of how they have learned to stop giving advice to their children for they realized that their children are on their own path and need to make their own choices and decisions and mistakes and have their own learning and awareness.

I just wanted to cry for I realized that this is exactly what I was doing. I was caring so much that I was smothering my child and I needed to back off and just let him be — figure it out. He needs to know and does know that I unconditionally love him and support him however I can show him this from a distance, if need be. This week at the baseball game I brought a book to read (which I did not — the game was too exciting) and before the game I just turned to my son and said, “just have fun and I love you”.  That was it. Well he did great and he really enjoyed the game.

What is the Role of A Parent?
I
can ask this question to every parent I meet and I will undoubtedly get a different response.  Part of this is conditioning, how we were brought up for people continue patterns, good, bad or indifferent.  Does that make one person’s way right and another wrong. No. In fact, I feel that as parents we are just guides to our children and that we do not own our children and perhaps we will help to shape them or not, this depends on what the child chooses for his or her life.  I do know that we are not responsible for our children’s path. I want to share a poem that was shared with me:

Poem by  Kahlil Gibran:

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts.

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;

For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

What I will Do With My Awareness
I had another experience today during a one-on-one with a woman who is facing this issue. She is my mirror. I also see how I have the opportunity to change my way, my thinking and feeling around this and shift the pattern.  It will be baby steps however I am determined to let my children be. That does not mean I will not guide them, however I will do my best to hold off on imposing my views and advice and wait for them to come to me and better yet, empower them — encourage them to find their way. I am excited to work with this woman for she can shift her energy and in turn shift the relationship she has with her children.  It is never too late to do so!  It means that you become that “baby again learning to walk”.  I am excited to see how this all unfolds for both of us.

I will love to hear your comments on this.

All my love,

Sandra

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