Support Does Not Always Come in YOUR LANGUAGE..

Posted Friday, July 31st, 2009. Filed Under Voices of wisdom

What is my MY LANGUAGE..
While in therapy with my husband (now my ex) we were recommended a book called, The Five Love Languages written by Gary Chapman. In the book it explored the fact that people talk in “different love languages”.  While I may show my love by making beds, and cooking he talks in a completely different love language – giving affirmations and words of support and encouragement.

When you do not communicate your needs and how you want it shown the other person can only speak in his or her language.

An Interesting Incident
Yesterday, I got into a very heated discussion with a relative. She told me that was angry about a discussion we had last week when I said that I was offended that she felt that she did not feel that I was supporting her. Granted I am sensitive so I know that I will need to really think about and feel how and what I said to her.

Saying that, she told me that I have not been supportive in the way that she needs.  I told her that my support is an open blanket and is there always however sometimes she needs to ask for I am not a mind reader. I offer to do things and that is all I can do. She said that she doesn’t like to ask. This presents a problem.

There are Two Issues Here
The first issue is being able to express how you feel and what you need and want. We are only human and there are times that your “cues” are not read or missed because it does not mean the same to another person. If you need or want someone to take your children or cook dinner or pick up something than just ask.  As well, it is a time to explore your love language and why you become triggered with certain things and why you respond in a certain way or even why you need something to be in a certain way. Is this a core belief that resonates with you? OR is it a core belief that has been imposed on you by your family or institutions. You need to become aware and explore this.  Share this with your partner and allow him or her to understand that “when you offer to do chores around the house it shows me you care”. The other person may not understand this however hopefully they will support it nonetheless.

The second issue is our EXPECTATIONS.  When you want someone to speak in your love language you are expecting them to potentially be something that they are not.  People only change when they want to and for themself.  In this journey of awareness it is very important to let go, dispense of expectations otherwise you may be very disappointed.

I have come to accept that each person in my family is who they are and that they show their love in their own way, not necessarily in the way that I wanted or needed. Today, I have come to a place in which I do not need the type of affirmations that I once desired for I have the trust and belief within me and the universe. As well, when I do want some type of support, I  find what I need elsewhere from other people.

It is time to figure out what is your love language … how do you speak? What makes you feel good? Is it different from your partners?  The book I suggested is a good one and I recommend it. It is on my reading list. More importantly, know that we all speak in our OWN language.  The only person we can control and make changes for is ourself.

All my best,



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