The fairytale wedding that left her questioning.

Posted Thursday, April 23rd, 2009. Filed Under Voices of wisdom

I received a call from a friend who asked if I can speak to their girlfriend who had really spiraled down to a dark place. I too have been in that place before and I know how lonely and sad it can be. I agreed and today I can say that this woman has made some remarkable growth and awareness about herself and her life.

Her name is Dvorah and she is here to share her tale:

“Don’t Stop Believing … in Yourself”

So Here I am 8 years after my fairytale wedding, now looking down the rancid throat of what I’m expecting to be an ugly divorce!

My husband decided to leave me, my 5 year old daughter and 9 day old son (at the time) in the middle of post partum, breast feeding problems, c-section complications, dance lessons, and school recitals. Over the course of my marriage, I permitted this man to rip apart my self-esteem and self-confidence, to obliterate my independence and to massacre my faith in humanity. I was in a dark hole with no inclination of hot to get out. As far as the “light at the end of the tunnel”, what tunnel and is there a light?!!
Growing up I was taught that when life got rough I was to put on a brave face, do not trouble anyone with my problems and never ever let the world know that my life was anything but perfect. I can’t begin to recount how many times I heard the words, “you need to pick yourself up by your boot straps and move on” or “just get over it…shake it off’” or my all time personal favorite, “suck it up princess”. These little colloquialisms may be sound advice for some of life pitfalls but for me in my current situation I believe that one needs a more substantial arsenal of support in order to effectively heal oneself.

I’ll never forget the conversation I had with my parents when I told them that my husband had begun to physically abuse me. I thought for sure they would have jumped on the next flight out of Miami to be by my side. My mother asked me, “what did you do to make his so angry?” and my father chimed in with “at least he didn’t put you in the hospital!” Both remarked that I had to make the relationship work at whatever the cost and that I wasn’t a kid anymore and I can’t just runaway when things get rough. After I hung up the phone I was catatonic with heart break and total devastation…but I digress.
As side from worrying about how I would take care of my children financially, how I would mend a broken heart, body and soul and how to be the type of mother my children needed and deserved, I am also haunted by the fear of choosing a similar type of man, like my husband, once I was ready for another relationship. After all, I selected an abusive man once, what’s to say that I wouldn’t make the same mistake again.

I’ve shared this fear with friends and family looking for some semblance of positive reinforcement. However, the most common response I get is “forget about guys and make your children the centre of your life.” I’ve contemplated these words too many times than I care to admit and I have to say that I take offense to this advice. First, how could they possibly imply that my children aren’t always the centre of my life and second, until you’ve walked a mile in my shoes….!! It has been 2 years since I have been involved with anyone, that’s 24 months or 104 weeks or 730 days (if you’d prefer) without any type of love, affection, intimacy or companionship. This doesn’t include the time spent in my marriage where I was void of the same.

I should also mention that this advice came from people who didn’t hesitate to call me on a Monday morning to tell me about their hot and sexy weekend they had just had with their boyfriend or husband. Like I said, until you’ve walked a mile in my shoes!! The bottom line is that if I feel that I am ready to welcome someone into my life, then I have to take responsibility for what would come next. The one thing that I have realized….no let me rephrase that… the one thing that I have had to drum into my head is that the first and most important love affair I need to have is one where I love and cherish myself. And this is where the healing part of my journey has begun.

I have been truly blessed to have a handful of wonderfully supportive friends who have been seeing me through this nightmare. I am absolutely fortunate to be able to add Sandra Finkelstein to that special group of people. I am so excited and grateful that she will be assisting me on the path of healing and self-discovery. Recently I had had a 20 minute session with Sandra and in what felt like just minutes, I had a most significant break through. It felt as though the world had been lifted from my shoulders and I felt great.

The true confirmation of this came that very afternoon when I went to pick up my daughter from school. Usually she would greet me with a hug and “what’s up Mom?!” But on this particular afternoon, she came out of her classroom and when she saw me, she stopped dead in her tracks. She gingerly walked over to where I was standing and said “mom, what’s going on…you’re smiling?!” Well that was enough for me. I know I have a lot of work that needs to be done but for the first time in what feels like a lifetime; I can actually visualize the “light at the end of the tunnel”.

Well, that’s my story so far and I’ll keep you posted as things progress. The only bit of advice I feel qualified to give is this point, and I quote one of my favorite 80’s bands, is … “Don’t stop believing”… especially in yourself!

Bye for now!


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