You know how far you have come when….

Posted Friday, May 4th, 2012. Filed Under Voices of wisdom

I am not sure about you but I have had quite the week. We are in a full moon right now with the month of May having the largest, fullest moon to be seen as well as being the closest to the earth.

I am ruled by the moon which means I get quite emotional and affected by this. OH YA it has been quite the week. I have had a week of drama that I have not experienced in the longest time. What has been fascinating and interesting is that it really isn’t coming from me but my children back to me. And then last night I sat down with my ex to discuss some legal stuff around my children.

Here is what happened. MY younger son has been acting out and defiant – particularly with the teachers and teacher monitors. Now he has a defiant nature to start with but I knew that this was different. I could not pin point it. I felt that he was struggling in some sense so I asked my ex to drop my son off so I could talk to him. I hugged him, we talked and he shared. I can see he is struggling with his identity a bit. It is hard having to go between two homes with COMPLETELY different rules then go to school with even more rules. I shared with him what I have come to know and that is he is the same person in each place – WHO HE IS. He is the funny, smart, compassionate, loving, thought-provoking and challenger kid that I know and love. He needs to always be himself. Yes, he can find a better way to challenge people and things but this is one of the things that I love about him. He is the kid who will challenge the status quo and change the world.

My older son… this story goes back to Friday when my younger son bought a fake watch off a friend of his for $20 and because he did not like the colour he sold it to another friend for $12 ($8 deficit – not teaching my son too well about money!) and put another $20 out for another watch. Forget that he had all this money on him that he saved from his allowance at his father’s home I was furious that he made such a poor decision. I had to call the mother of this boy and explain the situation and ask her from the goodness of her heart if we can give back the money for the watch and then I returned the watch for $20. One of my older son’s friend had come over Friday after school and told me that you can buy this knock off watch for $10. This made me even more furious. So … I was upset (the moon was well in its power with me!) and this led to yelling — DRAMA. On the following Tuesday the boys selling the watch got hauled into the principal’s office and when the story got out people started to ask who turned in the boys. Now keep in mind one of the boys selling the watches is the son of a good friend of mine. The friend that was over the previous Friday said maybe it was me … he knew I was mad on the previous Friday so maybe I called. So now a rumour has started.

My older son comes home and says he is not going to Hebrew school. I tell him he has to. He then tells me that the kids at school think I ratted out the boy selling the watches. I look at my son and I am furious. I tell him I did not. Who had the time I was on the phone dealing with the school about my younger son’s behaviour. That day I received 3 calls and one of them was to tell me he was in the principal’s office. I lost it. My older son and I fought in a way that brought me back to the days with my ex husband. There was yelling, screaming, jumping up and down, swearing and it ended with my son not going to Hebrew school. I spent the next hour going to the home of one of the boys that started the rumour to share what happened with his mother. I wanted her to tell her son that I didn’t do it but more importantly he should not spread rumours unless he knows the facts. I spoke to my other friend and asked to speak to her two sons saying that again I did not rat them out, this is not who I am and that I have much more important things to worry about then these fake watches. I then came home and my son and I talked.

That night all I could think about was why all this drama in my life now. After some thought and downtime I realized that here I was being faced with some of the very cycles that I fought to break. I struggled with my identity however today I know who I am and I love who I am. I speak my truth and do it from a loving place. When the mirror of my younger child came back to me I saw how I have grown and how I can now lead the way and guide my children and assure them of who they are.

My fight with Isaac sat with me through the night and I woke up at 4:51am that morning and realized that the person who fought with Isaac was not the person I am today but the person I was. My boyfriend and I do not fight this way, we discuss, speak respectfully and never swear or bring each other down. I saw myself being dragged back into a way that I worked hard at breaking. I have spent the last 6 years to break this cycle of fighting. I woke my son up at 8am and said to him the following:

Last night when we fought and the way we fought was how your father and I would fight. I have spent the last 6 years breaking that cycle. I asked him if he ever sees me and my boyfriend fighting like that? Do we swear at each other? Do we bring each other down? Are we mean to each other? Are we disrespectful? The answer in all cases was a no. I told him that this is not who I am — this is who I was but this is not how I want to live my life — NO drama, no more swearing (yes I can with the best of them), no more yelling. This behaviour will not be acceptable in my home or the one my boyfriend and I plan to create. I said is this how he wants to be – abusive and mean? Is this how he wants to treat his wife? I said we are at a crossroads and he must make a choice how he wants to live his life and who he wants to be. I said that I will bring in some assistance to help us.

Wow it was incredible to face the mirror of my past and see who I was and who I am today.

I know who I am and my worth. My meeting last night with my ex about my children reinforced this even more. Now I must preserve their worth. I am not the same person I was a decade ago in the sense that I have peeled away layers of other peoples’ stuff. Clarity.

This moon brings clarity. Clarity of who we are – our identity, how we want to live our life, who we want to bring in and finally our worth.

I know this was a long story but hopefully you see how things can come up in your life through different ways – our children being one – and see how far we’ve come and guide them to make better choices. They see what they see – how we deal with our stuff or don’t, how we honour ourselves or don’t and how we walk our talk or don’t.

Be true, be honest, and honour your worth.

I wish you all a great weekend.

All my love,

Sandra

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